01.04.09

So, I've decided to start typing this journal thingy on the computer... Writing it by hand was such a pain... Also, I tend to fall behind on things, when ticks like taking time to write out my happenings are on the back of my mind before acting on doing so. Now, WordPad will record my days. It's easier to type anyways, for my fingers will go at the same pace as my brain, and I won't get tired and fall asleep before writing all that I had planned, like I did on my last post, for example... There was such a story to tell about that night on Cody's birthday... But, nope I was drunk and high and fell asleep and never returned to go on...

Um... HAPPY belated NEW YEAR! I've been so lost with nothing to do, and all this time... I'm behind in these entries, my e-mails, family matters, socializing, and personal goals. I FUCKING NEED A CAR!!!! Ugh, money is such a requirement to survive, and I need a job, which requires transportation, which my car sits at my mother's house, where she lets it go to waste when I need it! Her powerplays make me sick. The money's needed for my tests and potential college tutition I'll have to pay for, but she doesn't care, she believes I'm but a failure and am just throwing all away. Personally, I know I'll pass the G.E.D. exam exceptionally, after studying, get great scores on the ACT/SAT exam, and be working a decent job while maintaining good grades at Longview Community College, until I can transfer and afford an education at UMKC... Though, it's a bit hard when your own mother damns you from success...

To fill in on the days and events I've been too lazy to type....

CODY'S BIRTHDAY 12.27.08

Okay, so after I got back from the family Christmas party, I got dolled up and packed to go over to Katie's [where Cody lives], to give him his birthday present (a Jack Skellington bandana from HotTopic), exchange my cash for his giftcards because he needed it to buy drugs and I could careless, and to hangout and just have a chill time with him, Katie, and Jay. Well, it started out all dandy, until Jay, Cody, and I went to Wal-Mart to cash my $100 check so Cody and I could do our exchange. We found that they couldn't do that, so Cody found the Seagram's 7 and we bolted for the van. Shortly after we got back, Jayke showed up without notice, for he had lost his cell. We all drank a bit, Cody and I a bit too much (oh and he was already trashed before I had showed up), and were getting yelled at by Una, Katie's mom, to hurry and get downstairs to go to Applebee's for Cody's birthday dinner. We all, eventually, made it outside and all went towards Jayke's car, because we'd all rather ride with him then with Una. That's when things started to go bad... Cody pushed me into the side of Jayke's car and said, "Baby, I don't get it!?!? Why can't I just be all over you??? I want to touch you and be in you so bad!!!!" Just so happens, Katie (Cody's girlfriend) was standing their the whole time and heard the whole entire thing! She was like, "Wow, I just heard all that you just said to her, don't fucking touch me!" and she went into the house. Jay said she'd ride with Katie after that, because he thought she was going to the van... Well, Una found out and said we weren't going out to dinner because of the drama and decided that I couldn't spend the night, and that I had to go home... I was fucked, because I told C.J. I wouldn't be home till tomorrow. So, we all went up stairs and drank a bit more, while Katie shouted at Cody and decided she was going to hang with her friend Sammy, and that her friend Matt would give me a ride home later that night. In the middle of all of that happening I had gone aside with Katie and explained to her I didn't provoke the shit Cody said, because for once, I wanted us all to be chill and be friends without drama, and she understood and said she wasn't upset with me and was aware I did nothing wrong. Jayke, Jay, Cody, and I piled into Jayke's car after Katie left, so we could go out and have dinner together somewhere, anywhere, because our plans to Applebees got shut down. We ended up driving to a building strip that had a Chinese restaurant at one end and Mr. Goodcents at the other, because Jay and Jayke deceided they wanted Chinese and Cody and I wanted sandwitches. So, they went to order their food, and Cody and I were to go get our food and walk over to the Chinese place afterwards and sit and eat all together. Ha! Well, Cody ended up passing out in Goodcents while I placed the order, and I spent 15 minutes trying to wake him up and carry him from the store, while some fat guy kept asking if he could help me carry him to the car... Too bad Jayke's the one with the car and he was at the other end of the strip... I can't remember how many times I dropped that boy on the floor until I allowed the stranger to help me prop Cody into a seat. Then, I begged the employees not to call the cops or anything so I could run over to the Chinese place and get Jayke and Jay. They warned me to hurry and told me we should've never came in the first place, and I apologized and ran out the door, just in time to see Jay and Jayke walking down looking at me all strange. I told them that Cody passed out and as soon as they saw him through the window all contorted on the table they started laughing their asses off and began to carry him to the car... I couldn't help but laugh histerically too, how often does shit like this occur??? Once we got back to Katie's, Cody and I, trashed, started making out and would've began to have sex, if Jayke hadn't pinned me down and prevented us from carrying our drunken asses down the stairs to Cody's room... Jay was making fun of me because I guess I was saying some pretty dirty ass shit in Cody's ear a bit too loud... After Jayke's success in getting Cody and I apart enough to not be griding one another, Cody passed out, and shortly there after I did too. I was half awake when I overheard Jay and Jayke saying they were taking my phone and going to hang with Katie and Sammy. I managed to get up a few minutes after they took off, still incredibly drunk, saw Cody lying on the floor and I woke him up, cause we were finally alone. We beat the shit out of each other! Biting, slapping, throwing each other on the floor and on the bed, scratching, bleeding, screaming... Our sex is always so intense... It was cute every 5 minutes Cody would be like, "No wait, wait, baby... I want to lie down and cuddle. I don't want you thinking I just want you for sex..." Then, of course, we'd be at it again in less than a minute. That was fun and dirty while it lasted... Yet, Jayke and Jay showed up planning to take me home, cause I guess Katie's friend Matt couldn't take me home. Katie and Sammy were waiting out in Jayke's car. Jay and Jayke both left to go wait in the car, while I was trying to get my shit together, in my drunken, stumbling mess...Cody kept distracting me which was making me take even longer, and I believe either Katie or Sammy ended up calling the house phone to tell me I needed to hurry up. So, Cody called the number back and for some reason started bitching out Katie, saying shit like, "Hey loose pussy, you waiting for a dick?", "Yeah, you always ask why I want Heather over you, when you're pussy's so loose it's like a train's been through it, and her's is always so fucking tight!", "Yeah, fuck you! You think I give a damn what you ever have to say?". While I just sat there saying to him that it was overly cruel, and I didn't understand why he just did it... Then, he tackled me again, and eventually told me to hurry up and go out to the car with him. So, I did, and as soon as we stepped out the front door, Cody goes running towards Jayke's car, pounding out the glass and screaming at Katie, then he rips off his jacket, runs around the car into the drivers seat and starts yelling and hitting Katie... I didn't know what the fuck had happened, he just like snapped... Out of nowhere..? I pulled him off her just as Una came out and started screaming at Cody... That's when everything just got so fucked up I don't even care to go into detail. Simply, I spent hours trying to calm Cody down, while he was crying about his life and his mother, and Una and him were screaming back and forth, while she kept threatening to call the cops unless he left in Jayke's car... So, I spent all that time trying to get him to go, and he started walking to nowhere, I convinced him to come back and then he tried to breakdown the back door and kick it open, when he's the smallest creature in the world and drunk more than anyone that size should be. So, I picked him up after his force knocked him back and began carrying him to Jayke's car, but he started bitching, and convinced me to let go of him once I got him to the car door, and that he was going to just sit himself down... Nope, his ass goes back to the damn house... So, Katie and Sammy, Jayke, Jay, and I drive out to Sammy's brothers and get the fuck away from there... On the way, we get a call from Una saying she had to call the cops on Cody because he attacked her for the alcohol when she refused to give it back to him, so he was arrested and spent the night in jail. Aliena's parents came and picked me up after I got stoned at Sammy's party, because I texted them about what had happened throughout the night... Which, I'm glad they did, because the people at the party were annoying, retarded, and drunk to the point where I was so annoied by all that I didn't want to stay anywhere but in my bed back at home. Passed out drunk and high writing that last journal entry.
The next day, I called Cody and found out he had got out of jail. We talked a bit and it was all sweet. Towards the end of our conversation, he asked me to watch an episode of Superjail with him, that was themed off of Hospital Brut. I told him I couldn't because my television was doing something that was recording on the DVR and that I was talking to Jon over the phone, and I pretty much couldn't. Ugh! He just snapped, and was all like, "Well just go fuck him on the phone then!" and that's the last time we spoke. Lovely isn't it? I'm sure we're pretty much done...

NIGHT WITH ZAKK 12.30.08/12.31.08

I snuck Zakk into my room at night on the 30th. I've known him since 6th grade, fell in love with him in 9th grade, and have slept with him on occassion ever since... Yeah, yeah I know I sound like a whore, but trust me I'm not... Zakk and I, for once had a moment that I believed wasn't just about us having sex. Our history is so rocky, you wouldn't think we'd still talk, but some sort of connection has kept us constant over the years... He was the first guy I ever fell really hard for, therefore being the first guy to ever break me. Over the years, we made it just about sex, but we remained decent friends... But now... He's all sweet, not a cold-hearted ass... All boyfriend like, and he's thinking about moving back from Oklahoma to be with me... All sounds good, yes? But, idk... I get spooked a bit... Because of our past I think it's bound to go horribly wrong. Plus, all the pressure he puts on me about how I cheat, is just making me feel like I'm going to end up doing it... Whenever anyone tells me I'm going to do something and puts pressure on me about it, I do it... It's like inevittable, I feel like I just have to after awhile... It's not like I even mentally process it either, it just happens. But, idk the night was perfect, and I fell a bit harder for him than I thought I was going to again, just because he opened up for a change and made me happy... I just wish I knew what to do. I'm afraid to tell him I have doubts, cause then he'll probably snap at me and get upset and not talk to me, and I'll feel like I just blew it all... Ugh... I just need to resolve this quick, for he goes back home on the 6th.

NEW YEARS EVE 12.31.08

Went out to Jayke's in Olathe with him and Jay. Ended up going to a party at Alyssa's with a bunch of dressed up girls and well-bred boys... It was odd, showing up 2 scene boys with a strange under-dressed girl... I didn't even know who Alyssa was, so I felt a bit rude. To get comfy, I joined a game of beer pong, and gradually getting drunker, began to enjoy my night. I found some boys who'd smoke me up, and one who bought Alyssa, Jayke, Jay, and I all beer... I enjoyed my night single and shitfaced, playing guitar hero, listening to music, and playing more beer pong, till the countdown of New Years. Counted down the year in the living room with everyone and the people of New York City on the tv screen. Blew the paper horn thing, drank some champagne, took an extremely needed piss, smoked my first cigarette of the year, and chilled till Lolo came to drive us home. Our asses ended up waiting across the street in the cold for about 15 minutes, because Alyssa's aunt was headed home... Fucking sucked man haha... Jay passed out taking piss and hit his head on the wall, which woke him back up hahah.... Jayke made out with every girl at the party, trying to get with the ones he thought would be the hardest to obtain, and of course he reeled them in with ease, and I won my bet that he couldn't get the girl in the short black dress :D Which made me proud, knowing how well and how not so well Jayke can whore... We cruised to good tunes, on our way back to Jayke's, and the boys passed out as soon as we got inside, while I enjoyed my stoner hunger and ate and drank everything in Jayke's pantry and fridge. Haha I even stole Ramen noodles from the party, 'cause I figured if I would've stayed they'd be eaten anyways... haha Yeah, I'm that cool, okay? haha Woke up the next morning, cleaned up Jayke's place, met another Alyssa, who we hung out with all day. Went store browsing on the Plaza, ate at Taco Bell, passed out from lack of sleep when I got back to Jayke's, then awoke to hanging out with Lolo, Amikins, Thad, Maggie, and someother dude with the boyz at some chexican place called Poncho's... I refused to eat a Chinese made Mexican place's food, so Lolo took me to McDonald's and ended up giving me a ride home, that I was needing since Jay had left my phone at my house, and Jayke's dad left for some unpronouncable/unmemorable place in Kansas with his car keys. Slept well... The End.
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I'm starting to fall for Jon, again. I think it's official impossible for us to be friends and not end up having feelings for one another. The whole Zakk thing is the only reason I'm not jumping at my chance to be with Jon, that' I've been wanting since the whole mess that happened with him telling his girlfriend, Ariel about us sleeping together, because he thought I was going to stay with Cody, because at the time Cody and I were engaged... Yeah DRAMA DRAMA... Seems to always occur in the worst ways, I swear... Well, anyways was on Stickam like all night with him the other day, and it was such torture, I just wanted to see him and be with him. It's always been like impossible for us to be together, even when it's just to hangout as friends... Jon's young, which makes me hestitant on being with him also, just because I'm afraid I'll just be a fling to him, and I'll end up falling and wanting to stay with him... Ugh, and I can't stand to be hurt again, no not after Cody... Grr.. Jon's just so sexy and smart, and funny, and we get along too well... Like, I don't even know how we have the same things in common that we do, because they're pretty strange and vast, but it's really amazing. Hehe I don't know he just makes me smile and I don't know if I'd be happier trying this relationship with Jon, where it's casual (which does sound super nice) or going with moving in with Zakk and having something serious (which sounds extremely intimedating)... Eek idk?!?!? I hate being single, it allows you to flirt with whoever and not have to worry about a thing, but then all of a sudden everyone you've been flirting with wants you all at the same time, and then you're caught in a dilema you never wanted to be in, nor ever thought you could be in, because you're single, and that most mean no one wants you. Ha, it's like you'd just take the first person who says they want to be with you that you like, because you don't care, but then two of them speak at the same time, and now you don't know which to choose.... Fuck! I suck in relationships, even when they don't exist yet... >.<