Saturday, January 10, 2009

01.10.09

Basicly, this entry is life events that have affected my writing... Posted it because it pretty much shows how most of my stuff is created... I was trying to write a piece before this drama, and finished it once all was said and done. So, the conversation below is chopped and edited to where even more personal stuff wasn't posted, but it's still very personal either way... The piece at the bottom was written pretty much because of Zakk, after all of this, and is whom I speak of... I love Zakk and we just have a very hard time, but I wouldn't be who I am without him.


*Text Messages*

Zakk
(8:20 PM): Babes

Heather
:Yes?

Zakk
(8:24 PM): I can't say hi

Heather
:Lol you sound questioning

Zakk
(8:26 PM): What's that mean?

Heather
:I don't know lol i can't explain it :/

Zakk
(9:16 PM): Took you a bit to reply.
(9:43 PM): Whatever.have fun with whatever your doing kid
(1:32 AM): Dude.your fucking shady.I hope you had fun with whomever last night.bitch

Heather
:What's your fucking problem? Did it ever occur to you i was out or doing something?
:Hmm or maybe that i'm asleep at fucking 1am... Or is that just too damn reasonable for you?
:And you're not going to do the whole jealous controlling lover shit cause i had to bitch at my friend casey.s nonboyfriend about it the whole night and it's repulsive!

*Myspace Bulletin*

Zakk
(1:37 AM)
Subject: I should've fucking figured
Body: Suck dick and die heather

*AIM Messages*

Auto Response: Zakk
(7:11:20 AM): And for some reason you confessed you loved me,that you always loved me.but like the death creeping up upon all of us,your love withered and died.fading from existance as if it never really existed at all.night heather

Heather
(5:19:15 AM): wow... really it takes me over 3 years of saying I love you haha and it's still a joke to you? Thanx... Thank you... No really... You've got it all figured out and your so right babe... Truly you are... You're a genius! Well, fuck you and your brilliance... The only person who's ever and always done the hurting has been you... Always... So, go right ahead... I'll go suck dick and die... I mean that is what pleases you isn't honey...
(5:23:36 AM): You were right, you are scum and you're a fucking duchebag...

Zakk
(6:02:17 AM): :[

Heather
(6:02:35 AM): ...
(6:02:58 AM): i'm really pissed

Zakk
(6:03:29 AM): Whatever

Heather
(6:03:41 AM): ?

Zakk
(6:04:12 AM): I texted you early on in the day,so that shoots down the sleep at 1 am
(6:04:19 AM): Oh and honey
(6:04:32 AM): Douche is spelled with an o

Heather
(6:04:43 AM): idc...

Zakk
(6:04:50 AM): Im going back to fucking sleep

Heather
(6:04:52 AM): and reallyl ike you know when i'm fucking sleeping
(6:04:59 AM): wtf zakk?
(6:05:04 AM): like seriously?

Zakk
(6:05:46 AM): Its great to wake up and get no reassurance and just negitivity when im being paranoid.no seriously.fuck you

Heather
(6:05:48 AM): i've got more shit going on in my life other than you... sorry

Zakk
(6:06:09 AM): Go fucking have a blast then!
(6:06:15 AM): Peace

Heather
(6:06:17 AM): yeah that's why you pretty much left a post on every resource of talking to you saying that i'm a bitch
(6:06:20 AM): and that i should fuck off
(6:06:21 AM): and die
(6:06:35 AM): like you just wiped me out and wrote me off w/ out even takling tome
(6:06:59 AM): yeah it's a fucking blast when everything's my fault zakk i love being chewed out for nothing

Zakk
(6:07:05 AM): You wouldn't answer me!on anything
(6:07:11 AM): It was friday

Heather
(6:07:31 AM): what does today being friday have anything to do w/ anything

Zakk
(6:07:40 AM): What should I expect

Heather
(6:07:43 AM): ?
(6:07:52 AM): apparently affairs and whoring

Zakk
(6:08:26 AM): Well makes it sem plausable you ignoring me and having plans with someone who isn't a jelous repulsive douchebag,ya know?

Heather
(6:08:37 AM): god this is why i didn't want to do this shit w/ you... you're too idk you just doubt me and think of me a such a slut you'll constantly be down my throat about it

Zakk
(6:09:21 AM): I mean god damn!

Heather
(6:09:26 AM): god damn what!

Zakk
(6:09:44 AM): All I wanted was some fucking attention from you

Heather
(6:10:07 AM): wtf zakk what do you expect me to do... constantly having you keep tabs on me like i'm a dog... FUCK ZAKK I CAN'T BE THERE FOR YOU EVER HOUR OF THE DAY

Zakk
(6:10:24 AM): I was alone all day and didn't even have you to fucking talk to like I would've wished!
(6:10:56 AM): Well I wish you could be there for me every hour of the day :[

Heather
(6:10:56 AM): im here now ugh... like fuck you think i wanna talk to you baby after you post all this shit about me

Zakk
(6:11:14 AM): Don't call me baby

Heather
(6:11:17 AM): :/ i wish that was doable sweetie but it's not... you're not always there when i need you
(6:11:24 AM): well fuck then

Zakk
(6:11:24 AM): Your upsetting me
(6:11:40 AM): I can't just wake up and be upset back with you,my angel

Heather
(6:11:44 AM): but i don't jump on you about shit

Zakk
(6:12:38 AM): Your jumping me now about my failures and faults that you were very aware of

Heather
(6:13:02 AM): i freak out too but only because i know how you do

Zakk
(6:13:03 AM): Sorry,im very unsure about myself and will never understand why anyone would care about me
(6:13:33 AM): But you don't need to throw it back in my FUCKING face when im not feeling so well!
(6:13:38 AM): Fuck

Heather
(6:13:44 AM): well pushing the person who you know does is fucking idotic
(6:14:14 AM): oh i'm sorry you're not well... it's not like ur the only damn one zakk... god you're so selfish

Zakk
(6:14:32 AM): Well maybe you don't,maybe if you did you'd be a little more understanding and caring in moments like this

Heather
(6:14:39 AM): as would you!
(6:14:49 AM): do you not realize why i'm pissed huh?
(6:14:54 AM): wake up to you erasing me

Zakk
(6:15:10 AM): Selfish?I was sleeping and I woke up just to hold you.I couldn't bare to see you cry
(6:15:33 AM): Ha,I can't erase you

Heather
(6:16:02 AM): okay one fucking act doesn't mean you're not selfish... well you sure as hell told me to die, such dick, deleted photos, and called me a lying slut

Zakk
(6:16:40 AM): Ugh

Heather
(6:16:41 AM): thanx dear i'm glad that i can wake up to that and ontop of that you yellingat me because i'm upset

Zakk
(6:17:06 AM): I saved the photos before I deleted them
(6:17:14 AM): Yelling?

Heather
(6:17:19 AM): oh wow! that's gracious...

Zakk
(6:17:21 AM): I want to skip this and just talk to you again

Heather
(6:17:38 AM): oh but when i try to calm it down and call you baby i get snapped at for it?
(6:17:55 AM): my anxiety is raving and i'm trying not to fucking scream

Zakk
(6:18:03 AM): But your on your anger roll,so im gonna get barraded more and hear everything negitive about mehuh?

Heather
(6:18:25 AM): well i had to hear your chicken shit way of doing it through little message trails
(6:18:35 AM): fucking bastard

Zakk
(6:18:38 AM): Hehe
(6:18:48 AM): You love me
(6:18:58 AM): And yes,I've never known my dad
(6:19:06 AM): Point taken?

Heather
(6:19:24 AM): what point is that exactly?
(6:20:13 AM): ugh i just want to fucking deck you right now!

Zakk
(6:20:30 AM): That im a bastard?that im selfish?that im a piece of shit?that im a failure?that you never wanted to be involved with me in the first place,that im arrogant
(6:20:59 AM): Well that's odd,id just like to kiss you.aha

Heather
(6:21:49 AM): god zakk really if you're just gonna keep pulling this bullshit what's the fucking point... You just push me away and tell me how i should just leave it... like wtf? what the hell do youw ant me to do? It sounds as if you want me gone so you can just prove your fucking point...

Zakk
(6:22:16 AM): Gone?
(6:22:23 AM): No I want you close
(6:22:31 AM): It may be selfish idc
(6:22:56 AM): But if you don't answer it makes me feel pathetic like im the only one who cares
(6:23:18 AM): And ill feel like I need to push you away before you lose interest and move on

Heather
(6:23:29 AM): oh? so should i freak on you when you don't reply... at least i'm fucking logical and realize your either smoking with some bitch, by yourself or sleeping

Zakk
Stop being a fucking cunt heather,im really getting pissed off

Heather
(6:24:03 AM): Oh? so it's better to shove me off then just let it play out and not work out naturally if that's how it might be

Zakk
(6:24:18 AM): Im trying to admitt im wrong but I fucking get tired of hearing your shit!

Heather
(6:24:40 AM): but like the death creeping up upon all of us,your love withered and died.... Nice touch.

Zakk
(6:24:46 AM): Im trying to work it out now,your the one fighting me bitch

Heather
(6:25:04 AM): yeah i'm a bitch i'm a cunt... be fucking satisfied

Zakk
(6:25:04 AM): I thought of it on the spot,I liked it

Heather
(6:25:28 AM): oh and i'm shady
(6:25:39 AM): i'm just a kid to you zakk

Zakk
(6:25:48 AM): Im a lot more satisfied and you give me kisses everywhere,this makes me feel like a cigarette
(6:26:19 AM): At one point you were,yes.ill admit that

Heather
(6:26:22 AM): your older... wiser...more aware... I'm just a slut with a mouth that you'd prefer to shut

Zakk
(6:26:32 AM): But its no longer the case
(6:26:51 AM): Okay,that ones not true

Heather
(6:27:45 AM): i'm insulted zakk!

Zakk
(6:28:35 AM): I don't need to be barraded,im going to be selfish and think of my emotions andignore you

Heather
(6:28:37 AM): and you think ignoring me or trying to change the subjects going to make it just fade away?
(6:28:52 AM): fuck you

Zakk
(6:29:00 AM): Your the only person who can tear me down and make me wanna kill myfuckingself

Heather
(6:29:05 AM): i have goddamn real emotions zakk that have always been here
(6:29:20 AM): i've put up with your shit for so long zakk...
(6:29:26 AM): i've been here...
(6:29:38 AM): you've made me lower than fucking low

Zakk
(6:29:38 AM): Ha
(6:29:44 AM): Been there?
(6:29:53 AM): You give me the shit back!

Heather
(6:29:59 AM): when you've fucking told me off time and time again

Zakk
(6:30:13 AM): And I don't wanna carry on our tradition of fighting

Heather
(6:30:37 AM): 3 fucking years zakk... for you to fucking love me and admit it... and you throw it in my god damn face

Zakk
(6:30:53 AM): Ohh I get it
(6:31:43 AM): This is the part where you realize it was too good to be true and drop the lovely thing we had,calling it quits because you not talking to me
(6:32:14 AM): I mean fuck,do you not realize that if not hearing from you got to me so bad I I really am falling for you?
(6:33:48 AM): I don't fucking want this
(6:34:00 AM): Leave me alone!
(6:34:12 AM): Fuck
(6:34:28 AM): See?im tearing up again

Heather
(6:34:32 AM): i'm trying to explain to you if you would have let me get to it

Zakk
(6:35:47 AM): Explain what?how im a piece of shit?how im no good for you and cody was oh so much better and im a fucking mistake?yea I fucking know.where my picture on your wall?


[The Picture Zakk's Referring To...]





Heather
(6:36:30 AM): FUCK YOU THAT WAS A FUCKING ART PROJECT BACK IN MAY

Zakk
(6:37:01 AM): It sounds like your done with me

Heather
(6:37:04 AM): that night you stayed was the first time i felt like you really were right zakk

Zakk
(6:37:21 AM): Heather
(6:37:36 AM): You don't even know how happy you make me when you are around
(6:40:46 AM): Everyone else I just laugh and smile at when im upset,then I tear them apart
(6:40:57 AM): I can't even properly fight with you
(6:45:59 AM): Look im really upset and I really need to go back to sleep before I do something stupid

Heather
(6:46:49 AM): please talk to me zakk i'm trying to tell you how i feel and i need you to understand :/ I'm not trying to hurt you or upset you... I love you... i'm just fucked up and why would you do something stupid?

Zakk
(6:49:35 AM): Well it makes it kinda a hard idea to ignore when someone constantly points out every fault about you that you fucking hate every time she gets upset with you

Heather
(6:50:15 AM): what do you do to me? and i do it because i know it gets to you and if you get to me, it's my only defense... I told you i'm a fucking bitch and tear people down when i go off

Zakk
(6:50:48 AM): Well im torn down
(6:50:56 AM): Feel good?
(6:54:14 AM): You have to make me feel like dirt
(7:10:00 AM): I wish you didn't hurt me
(7:10:06 AM): You make me so happy

Heather
(7:10:46 AM): I wish I wasn't so empty that I could do it... You make me happy to dear...

Zakk
(7:11:01 AM): Your not empty
(7:11:30 AM): I know you so much better than you know yourself
(7:11:54 AM): And you don't realize it because your so wrapped up in trying to figure yourslef out
(7:12:11 AM): Your not dead
(7:12:26 AM): You wish you were dead inside because your so hurt
(7:13:03 AM): Because you ignore the pain with a dull numbness
(7:13:49 AM): Even if you ignore your pain,its still there
(7:14:08 AM): Your so much like me
(7:15:02 AM): And that's why you sleep all day
(7:16:12 AM): Because everything sucks,nothings fun,nothings real,everythings stupid,noone cares,everyones selfish,noones loyal and at least in sleep you can enjoy your illusions of happiness.am I right?
(7:17:36 AM): You'll realize someday how much I know you
(7:17:54 AM): When I wake up ill put the pics back up ok?
(7:18:03 AM): Goodnight now

Heather
(7:18:10 AM): i don't like it... and i want it to stop... okay :/ Goodnight baby
(7:18:34 AM): i love you zakk

Zakk
(7:18:53 AM): I love you heather
___________________________________________________________________

Tell me, where do I drop anchor?
There's not a place in sight...
No, they're just not right...
This shadow consumes everything...

I'm sick of being scared...
To live, to love, to trust
So much, it tears me away
From all I am thinking of.

Conflictions an addiction...
Is it by choice or by fault?
Either one leads back here.
With another burden, I take the fall...

I can't keep analyzing what I've done...
For, I don't know myself or what I'll become.
Yet, you...You read me so well...
Write it out, then maybe,
I could stop devouring myself.
How lost can a person be?
You're my solution.
You're what saves me...

Don't let me push you...
Promise you'll stay.
I don't want to lose you,
You're what keeps me awake when it's day.

No comments:

Post a Comment