Piano Practice
Piano Practice II
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
01.10.09 - Continued
Zakk's New Away Message
(7:49 AM): Goodnight.you can change how you think,you can lok at the positive side of anything with the right mindset.I know you can,I believe in you
Journal Pages [I finally got my camcorder/camera :>]
Art & Video:
Crappy drawing I did the other day... I haven't drawn in so long... I didn't even bother finishing it :p01.10.09
Basicly, this entry is life events that have affected my writing... Posted it because it pretty much shows how most of my stuff is created... I was trying to write a piece before this drama, and finished it once all was said and done. So, the conversation below is chopped and edited to where even more personal stuff wasn't posted, but it's still very personal either way... The piece at the bottom was written pretty much because of Zakk, after all of this, and is whom I speak of... I love Zakk and we just have a very hard time, but I wouldn't be who I am without him.
*Text Messages*
Zakk
(8:20 PM): Babes
Heather
:Yes?
Zakk
(8:24 PM): I can't say hi
Heather
:Lol you sound questioning
Zakk
(8:26 PM): What's that mean?
Heather
:I don't know lol i can't explain it :/
Zakk
(9:16 PM): Took you a bit to reply.
(9:43 PM): Whatever.have fun with whatever your doing kid
(1:32 AM): Dude.your fucking shady.I hope you had fun with whomever last night.bitch
Heather
:What's your fucking problem? Did it ever occur to you i was out or doing something?
:Hmm or maybe that i'm asleep at fucking 1am... Or is that just too damn reasonable for you?
:And you're not going to do the whole jealous controlling lover shit cause i had to bitch at my friend casey.s nonboyfriend about it the whole night and it's repulsive!
*Myspace Bulletin*
Zakk
(1:37 AM)
Subject: I should've fucking figured
Body: Suck dick and die heather
*AIM Messages*
Auto Response: Zakk
(7:11:20 AM): And for some reason you confessed you loved me,that you always loved me.but like the death creeping up upon all of us,your love withered and died.fading from existance as if it never really existed at all.night heather
Heather
(5:19:15 AM): wow... really it takes me over 3 years of saying I love you haha and it's still a joke to you? Thanx... Thank you... No really... You've got it all figured out and your so right babe... Truly you are... You're a genius! Well, fuck you and your brilliance... The only person who's ever and always done the hurting has been you... Always... So, go right ahead... I'll go suck dick and die... I mean that is what pleases you isn't honey...
(5:23:36 AM): You were right, you are scum and you're a fucking duchebag...
Zakk
(6:02:17 AM): :[
Heather
(6:02:35 AM): ...
(6:02:58 AM): i'm really pissed
Zakk
(6:03:29 AM): Whatever
Heather
(6:03:41 AM): ?
Zakk
(6:04:12 AM): I texted you early on in the day,so that shoots down the sleep at 1 am
(6:04:19 AM): Oh and honey
(6:04:32 AM): Douche is spelled with an o
Heather
(6:04:43 AM): idc...
Zakk
(6:04:50 AM): Im going back to fucking sleep
Heather
(6:04:52 AM): and reallyl ike you know when i'm fucking sleeping
(6:04:59 AM): wtf zakk?
(6:05:04 AM): like seriously?
Zakk
(6:05:46 AM): Its great to wake up and get no reassurance and just negitivity when im being paranoid.no seriously.fuck you
Heather
(6:05:48 AM): i've got more shit going on in my life other than you... sorry
Zakk
(6:06:09 AM): Go fucking have a blast then!
(6:06:15 AM): Peace
Heather
(6:06:17 AM): yeah that's why you pretty much left a post on every resource of talking to you saying that i'm a bitch
(6:06:20 AM): and that i should fuck off
(6:06:21 AM): and die
(6:06:35 AM): like you just wiped me out and wrote me off w/ out even takling tome
(6:06:59 AM): yeah it's a fucking blast when everything's my fault zakk i love being chewed out for nothing
Zakk
(6:07:05 AM): You wouldn't answer me!on anything
(6:07:11 AM): It was friday
Heather
(6:07:31 AM): what does today being friday have anything to do w/ anything
Zakk
(6:07:40 AM): What should I expect
Heather
(6:07:43 AM): ?
(6:07:52 AM): apparently affairs and whoring
Zakk
(6:08:26 AM): Well makes it sem plausable you ignoring me and having plans with someone who isn't a jelous repulsive douchebag,ya know?
Heather
(6:08:37 AM): god this is why i didn't want to do this shit w/ you... you're too idk you just doubt me and think of me a such a slut you'll constantly be down my throat about it
Zakk
(6:09:21 AM): I mean god damn!
Heather
(6:09:26 AM): god damn what!
Zakk
(6:09:44 AM): All I wanted was some fucking attention from you
Heather
(6:10:07 AM): wtf zakk what do you expect me to do... constantly having you keep tabs on me like i'm a dog... FUCK ZAKK I CAN'T BE THERE FOR YOU EVER HOUR OF THE DAY
Zakk
(6:10:24 AM): I was alone all day and didn't even have you to fucking talk to like I would've wished!
(6:10:56 AM): Well I wish you could be there for me every hour of the day :[
Heather
(6:10:56 AM): im here now ugh... like fuck you think i wanna talk to you baby after you post all this shit about me
Zakk
(6:11:14 AM): Don't call me baby
Heather
(6:11:17 AM): :/ i wish that was doable sweetie but it's not... you're not always there when i need you
(6:11:24 AM): well fuck then
Zakk
(6:11:24 AM): Your upsetting me
(6:11:40 AM): I can't just wake up and be upset back with you,my angel
Heather
(6:11:44 AM): but i don't jump on you about shit
Zakk
(6:12:38 AM): Your jumping me now about my failures and faults that you were very aware of
Heather
(6:13:02 AM): i freak out too but only because i know how you do
Zakk
(6:13:03 AM): Sorry,im very unsure about myself and will never understand why anyone would care about me
(6:13:33 AM): But you don't need to throw it back in my FUCKING face when im not feeling so well!
(6:13:38 AM): Fuck
Heather
(6:13:44 AM): well pushing the person who you know does is fucking idotic
(6:14:14 AM): oh i'm sorry you're not well... it's not like ur the only damn one zakk... god you're so selfish
Zakk
(6:14:32 AM): Well maybe you don't,maybe if you did you'd be a little more understanding and caring in moments like this
Heather
(6:14:39 AM): as would you!
(6:14:49 AM): do you not realize why i'm pissed huh?
(6:14:54 AM): wake up to you erasing me
Zakk
(6:15:10 AM): Selfish?I was sleeping and I woke up just to hold you.I couldn't bare to see you cry
(6:15:33 AM): Ha,I can't erase you
Heather
(6:16:02 AM): okay one fucking act doesn't mean you're not selfish... well you sure as hell told me to die, such dick, deleted photos, and called me a lying slut
Zakk
(6:16:40 AM): Ugh
Heather
(6:16:41 AM): thanx dear i'm glad that i can wake up to that and ontop of that you yellingat me because i'm upset
Zakk
(6:17:06 AM): I saved the photos before I deleted them
(6:17:14 AM): Yelling?
Heather
(6:17:19 AM): oh wow! that's gracious...
Zakk
(6:17:21 AM): I want to skip this and just talk to you again
Heather
(6:17:38 AM): oh but when i try to calm it down and call you baby i get snapped at for it?
(6:17:55 AM): my anxiety is raving and i'm trying not to fucking scream
Zakk
(6:18:03 AM): But your on your anger roll,so im gonna get barraded more and hear everything negitive about mehuh?
Heather
(6:18:25 AM): well i had to hear your chicken shit way of doing it through little message trails
(6:18:35 AM): fucking bastard
Zakk
(6:18:38 AM): Hehe
(6:18:48 AM): You love me
(6:18:58 AM): And yes,I've never known my dad
(6:19:06 AM): Point taken?
Heather
(6:19:24 AM): what point is that exactly?
(6:20:13 AM): ugh i just want to fucking deck you right now!
Zakk
(6:20:30 AM): That im a bastard?that im selfish?that im a piece of shit?that im a failure?that you never wanted to be involved with me in the first place,that im arrogant
(6:20:59 AM): Well that's odd,id just like to kiss you.aha
Heather
(6:21:49 AM): god zakk really if you're just gonna keep pulling this bullshit what's the fucking point... You just push me away and tell me how i should just leave it... like wtf? what the hell do youw ant me to do? It sounds as if you want me gone so you can just prove your fucking point...
Zakk
(6:22:16 AM): Gone?
(6:22:23 AM): No I want you close
(6:22:31 AM): It may be selfish idc
(6:22:56 AM): But if you don't answer it makes me feel pathetic like im the only one who cares
(6:23:18 AM): And ill feel like I need to push you away before you lose interest and move on
Heather
(6:23:29 AM): oh? so should i freak on you when you don't reply... at least i'm fucking logical and realize your either smoking with some bitch, by yourself or sleeping
Zakk
Stop being a fucking cunt heather,im really getting pissed off
Heather
(6:24:03 AM): Oh? so it's better to shove me off then just let it play out and not work out naturally if that's how it might be
Zakk
(6:24:18 AM): Im trying to admitt im wrong but I fucking get tired of hearing your shit!
Heather
(6:24:40 AM): but like the death creeping up upon all of us,your love withered and died.... Nice touch.
Zakk
(6:24:46 AM): Im trying to work it out now,your the one fighting me bitch
Heather
(6:25:04 AM): yeah i'm a bitch i'm a cunt... be fucking satisfied
Zakk
(6:25:04 AM): I thought of it on the spot,I liked it
Heather
(6:25:28 AM): oh and i'm shady
(6:25:39 AM): i'm just a kid to you zakk
Zakk
(6:25:48 AM): Im a lot more satisfied and you give me kisses everywhere,this makes me feel like a cigarette
(6:26:19 AM): At one point you were,yes.ill admit that
Heather
(6:26:22 AM): your older... wiser...more aware... I'm just a slut with a mouth that you'd prefer to shut
Zakk
(6:26:32 AM): But its no longer the case
(6:26:51 AM): Okay,that ones not true
Heather
(6:27:45 AM): i'm insulted zakk!
Zakk
(6:28:35 AM): I don't need to be barraded,im going to be selfish and think of my emotions andignore you
Heather
(6:28:37 AM): and you think ignoring me or trying to change the subjects going to make it just fade away?
(6:28:52 AM): fuck you
Zakk
(6:29:00 AM): Your the only person who can tear me down and make me wanna kill myfuckingself
Heather
(6:29:05 AM): i have goddamn real emotions zakk that have always been here
(6:29:20 AM): i've put up with your shit for so long zakk...
(6:29:26 AM): i've been here...
(6:29:38 AM): you've made me lower than fucking low
Zakk
(6:29:38 AM): Ha
(6:29:44 AM): Been there?
(6:29:53 AM): You give me the shit back!
Heather
(6:29:59 AM): when you've fucking told me off time and time again
Zakk
(6:30:13 AM): And I don't wanna carry on our tradition of fighting
Heather
(6:30:37 AM): 3 fucking years zakk... for you to fucking love me and admit it... and you throw it in my god damn face
Zakk
(6:30:53 AM): Ohh I get it
(6:31:43 AM): This is the part where you realize it was too good to be true and drop the lovely thing we had,calling it quits because you not talking to me
(6:32:14 AM): I mean fuck,do you not realize that if not hearing from you got to me so bad I I really am falling for you?
(6:33:48 AM): I don't fucking want this
(6:34:00 AM): Leave me alone!
(6:34:12 AM): Fuck
(6:34:28 AM): See?im tearing up again
Heather
(6:34:32 AM): i'm trying to explain to you if you would have let me get to it
Zakk
(6:35:47 AM): Explain what?how im a piece of shit?how im no good for you and cody was oh so much better and im a fucking mistake?yea I fucking know.where my picture on your wall?
*Text Messages*
Zakk
(8:20 PM): Babes
Heather
:Yes?
Zakk
(8:24 PM): I can't say hi
Heather
:Lol you sound questioning
Zakk
(8:26 PM): What's that mean?
Heather
:I don't know lol i can't explain it :/
Zakk
(9:16 PM): Took you a bit to reply.
(9:43 PM): Whatever.have fun with whatever your doing kid
(1:32 AM): Dude.your fucking shady.I hope you had fun with whomever last night.bitch
Heather
:What's your fucking problem? Did it ever occur to you i was out or doing something?
:Hmm or maybe that i'm asleep at fucking 1am... Or is that just too damn reasonable for you?
:And you're not going to do the whole jealous controlling lover shit cause i had to bitch at my friend casey.s nonboyfriend about it the whole night and it's repulsive!
*Myspace Bulletin*
Zakk
(1:37 AM)
Subject: I should've fucking figured
Body: Suck dick and die heather
*AIM Messages*
Auto Response: Zakk
(7:11:20 AM): And for some reason you confessed you loved me,that you always loved me.but like the death creeping up upon all of us,your love withered and died.fading from existance as if it never really existed at all.night heather
Heather
(5:19:15 AM): wow... really it takes me over 3 years of saying I love you haha and it's still a joke to you? Thanx... Thank you... No really... You've got it all figured out and your so right babe... Truly you are... You're a genius! Well, fuck you and your brilliance... The only person who's ever and always done the hurting has been you... Always... So, go right ahead... I'll go suck dick and die... I mean that is what pleases you isn't honey...
(5:23:36 AM): You were right, you are scum and you're a fucking duchebag...
Zakk
(6:02:17 AM): :[
Heather
(6:02:35 AM): ...
(6:02:58 AM): i'm really pissed
Zakk
(6:03:29 AM): Whatever
Heather
(6:03:41 AM): ?
Zakk
(6:04:12 AM): I texted you early on in the day,so that shoots down the sleep at 1 am
(6:04:19 AM): Oh and honey
(6:04:32 AM): Douche is spelled with an o
Heather
(6:04:43 AM): idc...
Zakk
(6:04:50 AM): Im going back to fucking sleep
Heather
(6:04:52 AM): and reallyl ike you know when i'm fucking sleeping
(6:04:59 AM): wtf zakk?
(6:05:04 AM): like seriously?
Zakk
(6:05:46 AM): Its great to wake up and get no reassurance and just negitivity when im being paranoid.no seriously.fuck you
Heather
(6:05:48 AM): i've got more shit going on in my life other than you... sorry
Zakk
(6:06:09 AM): Go fucking have a blast then!
(6:06:15 AM): Peace
Heather
(6:06:17 AM): yeah that's why you pretty much left a post on every resource of talking to you saying that i'm a bitch
(6:06:20 AM): and that i should fuck off
(6:06:21 AM): and die
(6:06:35 AM): like you just wiped me out and wrote me off w/ out even takling tome
(6:06:59 AM): yeah it's a fucking blast when everything's my fault zakk i love being chewed out for nothing
Zakk
(6:07:05 AM): You wouldn't answer me!on anything
(6:07:11 AM): It was friday
Heather
(6:07:31 AM): what does today being friday have anything to do w/ anything
Zakk
(6:07:40 AM): What should I expect
Heather
(6:07:43 AM): ?
(6:07:52 AM): apparently affairs and whoring
Zakk
(6:08:26 AM): Well makes it sem plausable you ignoring me and having plans with someone who isn't a jelous repulsive douchebag,ya know?
Heather
(6:08:37 AM): god this is why i didn't want to do this shit w/ you... you're too idk you just doubt me and think of me a such a slut you'll constantly be down my throat about it
Zakk
(6:09:21 AM): I mean god damn!
Heather
(6:09:26 AM): god damn what!
Zakk
(6:09:44 AM): All I wanted was some fucking attention from you
Heather
(6:10:07 AM): wtf zakk what do you expect me to do... constantly having you keep tabs on me like i'm a dog... FUCK ZAKK I CAN'T BE THERE FOR YOU EVER HOUR OF THE DAY
Zakk
(6:10:24 AM): I was alone all day and didn't even have you to fucking talk to like I would've wished!
(6:10:56 AM): Well I wish you could be there for me every hour of the day :[
Heather
(6:10:56 AM): im here now ugh... like fuck you think i wanna talk to you baby after you post all this shit about me
Zakk
(6:11:14 AM): Don't call me baby
Heather
(6:11:17 AM): :/ i wish that was doable sweetie but it's not... you're not always there when i need you
(6:11:24 AM): well fuck then
Zakk
(6:11:24 AM): Your upsetting me
(6:11:40 AM): I can't just wake up and be upset back with you,my angel
Heather
(6:11:44 AM): but i don't jump on you about shit
Zakk
(6:12:38 AM): Your jumping me now about my failures and faults that you were very aware of
Heather
(6:13:02 AM): i freak out too but only because i know how you do
Zakk
(6:13:03 AM): Sorry,im very unsure about myself and will never understand why anyone would care about me
(6:13:33 AM): But you don't need to throw it back in my FUCKING face when im not feeling so well!
(6:13:38 AM): Fuck
Heather
(6:13:44 AM): well pushing the person who you know does is fucking idotic
(6:14:14 AM): oh i'm sorry you're not well... it's not like ur the only damn one zakk... god you're so selfish
Zakk
(6:14:32 AM): Well maybe you don't,maybe if you did you'd be a little more understanding and caring in moments like this
Heather
(6:14:39 AM): as would you!
(6:14:49 AM): do you not realize why i'm pissed huh?
(6:14:54 AM): wake up to you erasing me
Zakk
(6:15:10 AM): Selfish?I was sleeping and I woke up just to hold you.I couldn't bare to see you cry
(6:15:33 AM): Ha,I can't erase you
Heather
(6:16:02 AM): okay one fucking act doesn't mean you're not selfish... well you sure as hell told me to die, such dick, deleted photos, and called me a lying slut
Zakk
(6:16:40 AM): Ugh
Heather
(6:16:41 AM): thanx dear i'm glad that i can wake up to that and ontop of that you yellingat me because i'm upset
Zakk
(6:17:06 AM): I saved the photos before I deleted them
(6:17:14 AM): Yelling?
Heather
(6:17:19 AM): oh wow! that's gracious...
Zakk
(6:17:21 AM): I want to skip this and just talk to you again
Heather
(6:17:38 AM): oh but when i try to calm it down and call you baby i get snapped at for it?
(6:17:55 AM): my anxiety is raving and i'm trying not to fucking scream
Zakk
(6:18:03 AM): But your on your anger roll,so im gonna get barraded more and hear everything negitive about mehuh?
Heather
(6:18:25 AM): well i had to hear your chicken shit way of doing it through little message trails
(6:18:35 AM): fucking bastard
Zakk
(6:18:38 AM): Hehe
(6:18:48 AM): You love me
(6:18:58 AM): And yes,I've never known my dad
(6:19:06 AM): Point taken?
Heather
(6:19:24 AM): what point is that exactly?
(6:20:13 AM): ugh i just want to fucking deck you right now!
Zakk
(6:20:30 AM): That im a bastard?that im selfish?that im a piece of shit?that im a failure?that you never wanted to be involved with me in the first place,that im arrogant
(6:20:59 AM): Well that's odd,id just like to kiss you.aha
Heather
(6:21:49 AM): god zakk really if you're just gonna keep pulling this bullshit what's the fucking point... You just push me away and tell me how i should just leave it... like wtf? what the hell do youw ant me to do? It sounds as if you want me gone so you can just prove your fucking point...
Zakk
(6:22:16 AM): Gone?
(6:22:23 AM): No I want you close
(6:22:31 AM): It may be selfish idc
(6:22:56 AM): But if you don't answer it makes me feel pathetic like im the only one who cares
(6:23:18 AM): And ill feel like I need to push you away before you lose interest and move on
Heather
(6:23:29 AM): oh? so should i freak on you when you don't reply... at least i'm fucking logical and realize your either smoking with some bitch, by yourself or sleeping
Zakk
Stop being a fucking cunt heather,im really getting pissed off
Heather
(6:24:03 AM): Oh? so it's better to shove me off then just let it play out and not work out naturally if that's how it might be
Zakk
(6:24:18 AM): Im trying to admitt im wrong but I fucking get tired of hearing your shit!
Heather
(6:24:40 AM): but like the death creeping up upon all of us,your love withered and died.... Nice touch.
Zakk
(6:24:46 AM): Im trying to work it out now,your the one fighting me bitch
Heather
(6:25:04 AM): yeah i'm a bitch i'm a cunt... be fucking satisfied
Zakk
(6:25:04 AM): I thought of it on the spot,I liked it
Heather
(6:25:28 AM): oh and i'm shady
(6:25:39 AM): i'm just a kid to you zakk
Zakk
(6:25:48 AM): Im a lot more satisfied and you give me kisses everywhere,this makes me feel like a cigarette
(6:26:19 AM): At one point you were,yes.ill admit that
Heather
(6:26:22 AM): your older... wiser...more aware... I'm just a slut with a mouth that you'd prefer to shut
Zakk
(6:26:32 AM): But its no longer the case
(6:26:51 AM): Okay,that ones not true
Heather
(6:27:45 AM): i'm insulted zakk!
Zakk
(6:28:35 AM): I don't need to be barraded,im going to be selfish and think of my emotions andignore you
Heather
(6:28:37 AM): and you think ignoring me or trying to change the subjects going to make it just fade away?
(6:28:52 AM): fuck you
Zakk
(6:29:00 AM): Your the only person who can tear me down and make me wanna kill myfuckingself
Heather
(6:29:05 AM): i have goddamn real emotions zakk that have always been here
(6:29:20 AM): i've put up with your shit for so long zakk...
(6:29:26 AM): i've been here...
(6:29:38 AM): you've made me lower than fucking low
Zakk
(6:29:38 AM): Ha
(6:29:44 AM): Been there?
(6:29:53 AM): You give me the shit back!
Heather
(6:29:59 AM): when you've fucking told me off time and time again
Zakk
(6:30:13 AM): And I don't wanna carry on our tradition of fighting
Heather
(6:30:37 AM): 3 fucking years zakk... for you to fucking love me and admit it... and you throw it in my god damn face
Zakk
(6:30:53 AM): Ohh I get it
(6:31:43 AM): This is the part where you realize it was too good to be true and drop the lovely thing we had,calling it quits because you not talking to me
(6:32:14 AM): I mean fuck,do you not realize that if not hearing from you got to me so bad I I really am falling for you?
(6:33:48 AM): I don't fucking want this
(6:34:00 AM): Leave me alone!
(6:34:12 AM): Fuck
(6:34:28 AM): See?im tearing up again
Heather
(6:34:32 AM): i'm trying to explain to you if you would have let me get to it
Zakk
(6:35:47 AM): Explain what?how im a piece of shit?how im no good for you and cody was oh so much better and im a fucking mistake?yea I fucking know.where my picture on your wall?
[The Picture Zakk's Referring To...]
Heather
(6:36:30 AM): FUCK YOU THAT WAS A FUCKING ART PROJECT BACK IN MAY
Zakk
(6:37:01 AM): It sounds like your done with me
Heather
(6:37:04 AM): that night you stayed was the first time i felt like you really were right zakk
Zakk
(6:37:21 AM): Heather
(6:37:36 AM): You don't even know how happy you make me when you are around
(6:40:46 AM): Everyone else I just laugh and smile at when im upset,then I tear them apart
(6:40:57 AM): I can't even properly fight with you
(6:45:59 AM): Look im really upset and I really need to go back to sleep before I do something stupid
Heather
(6:46:49 AM): please talk to me zakk i'm trying to tell you how i feel and i need you to understand :/ I'm not trying to hurt you or upset you... I love you... i'm just fucked up and why would you do something stupid?
Zakk
(6:49:35 AM): Well it makes it kinda a hard idea to ignore when someone constantly points out every fault about you that you fucking hate every time she gets upset with you
Heather
(6:50:15 AM): what do you do to me? and i do it because i know it gets to you and if you get to me, it's my only defense... I told you i'm a fucking bitch and tear people down when i go off
Zakk
(6:50:48 AM): Well im torn down
(6:50:56 AM): Feel good?
(6:54:14 AM): You have to make me feel like dirt
(7:10:00 AM): I wish you didn't hurt me
(7:10:06 AM): You make me so happy
Heather
(7:10:46 AM): I wish I wasn't so empty that I could do it... You make me happy to dear...
Zakk
(7:11:01 AM): Your not empty
(7:11:30 AM): I know you so much better than you know yourself
(7:11:54 AM): And you don't realize it because your so wrapped up in trying to figure yourslef out
(7:12:11 AM): Your not dead
(7:12:26 AM): You wish you were dead inside because your so hurt
(7:13:03 AM): Because you ignore the pain with a dull numbness
(7:13:49 AM): Even if you ignore your pain,its still there
(7:14:08 AM): Your so much like me
(7:15:02 AM): And that's why you sleep all day
(7:16:12 AM): Because everything sucks,nothings fun,nothings real,everythings stupid,noone cares,everyones selfish,noones loyal and at least in sleep you can enjoy your illusions of happiness.am I right?
(7:17:36 AM): You'll realize someday how much I know you
(7:17:54 AM): When I wake up ill put the pics back up ok?
(7:18:03 AM): Goodnight now
Heather
(7:18:10 AM): i don't like it... and i want it to stop... okay :/ Goodnight baby
(7:18:34 AM): i love you zakk
Zakk
(7:18:53 AM): I love you heather
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Tell me, where do I drop anchor?
There's not a place in sight...
No, they're just not right...
This shadow consumes everything...
I'm sick of being scared...
To live, to love, to trust
So much, it tears me away
From all I am thinking of.
Conflictions an addiction...
Is it by choice or by fault?
Either one leads back here.
With another burden, I take the fall...
I can't keep analyzing what I've done...
For, I don't know myself or what I'll become.
Yet, you...You read me so well...
Write it out, then maybe,
I could stop devouring myself.
How lost can a person be?
You're my solution.
You're what saves me...
Don't let me push you...
Promise you'll stay.
I don't want to lose you,
You're what keeps me awake when it's day.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
01.04.09
So, I've decided to start typing this journal thingy on the computer... Writing it by hand was such a pain... Also, I tend to fall behind on things, when ticks like taking time to write out my happenings are on the back of my mind before acting on doing so. Now, WordPad will record my days. It's easier to type anyways, for my fingers will go at the same pace as my brain, and I won't get tired and fall asleep before writing all that I had planned, like I did on my last post, for example... There was such a story to tell about that night on Cody's birthday... But, nope I was drunk and high and fell asleep and never returned to go on...
Um... HAPPY belated NEW YEAR! I've been so lost with nothing to do, and all this time... I'm behind in these entries, my e-mails, family matters, socializing, and personal goals. I FUCKING NEED A CAR!!!! Ugh, money is such a requirement to survive, and I need a job, which requires transportation, which my car sits at my mother's house, where she lets it go to waste when I need it! Her powerplays make me sick. The money's needed for my tests and potential college tutition I'll have to pay for, but she doesn't care, she believes I'm but a failure and am just throwing all away. Personally, I know I'll pass the G.E.D. exam exceptionally, after studying, get great scores on the ACT/SAT exam, and be working a decent job while maintaining good grades at Longview Community College, until I can transfer and afford an education at UMKC... Though, it's a bit hard when your own mother damns you from success...
To fill in on the days and events I've been too lazy to type....
CODY'S BIRTHDAY 12.27.08
Okay, so after I got back from the family Christmas party, I got dolled up and packed to go over to Katie's [where Cody lives], to give him his birthday present (a Jack Skellington bandana from HotTopic), exchange my cash for his giftcards because he needed it to buy drugs and I could careless, and to hangout and just have a chill time with him, Katie, and Jay. Well, it started out all dandy, until Jay, Cody, and I went to Wal-Mart to cash my $100 check so Cody and I could do our exchange. We found that they couldn't do that, so Cody found the Seagram's 7 and we bolted for the van. Shortly after we got back, Jayke showed up without notice, for he had lost his cell. We all drank a bit, Cody and I a bit too much (oh and he was already trashed before I had showed up), and were getting yelled at by Una, Katie's mom, to hurry and get downstairs to go to Applebee's for Cody's birthday dinner. We all, eventually, made it outside and all went towards Jayke's car, because we'd all rather ride with him then with Una. That's when things started to go bad... Cody pushed me into the side of Jayke's car and said, "Baby, I don't get it!?!? Why can't I just be all over you??? I want to touch you and be in you so bad!!!!" Just so happens, Katie (Cody's girlfriend) was standing their the whole time and heard the whole entire thing! She was like, "Wow, I just heard all that you just said to her, don't fucking touch me!" and she went into the house. Jay said she'd ride with Katie after that, because he thought she was going to the van... Well, Una found out and said we weren't going out to dinner because of the drama and decided that I couldn't spend the night, and that I had to go home... I was fucked, because I told C.J. I wouldn't be home till tomorrow. So, we all went up stairs and drank a bit more, while Katie shouted at Cody and decided she was going to hang with her friend Sammy, and that her friend Matt would give me a ride home later that night. In the middle of all of that happening I had gone aside with Katie and explained to her I didn't provoke the shit Cody said, because for once, I wanted us all to be chill and be friends without drama, and she understood and said she wasn't upset with me and was aware I did nothing wrong. Jayke, Jay, Cody, and I piled into Jayke's car after Katie left, so we could go out and have dinner together somewhere, anywhere, because our plans to Applebees got shut down. We ended up driving to a building strip that had a Chinese restaurant at one end and Mr. Goodcents at the other, because Jay and Jayke deceided they wanted Chinese and Cody and I wanted sandwitches. So, they went to order their food, and Cody and I were to go get our food and walk over to the Chinese place afterwards and sit and eat all together. Ha! Well, Cody ended up passing out in Goodcents while I placed the order, and I spent 15 minutes trying to wake him up and carry him from the store, while some fat guy kept asking if he could help me carry him to the car... Too bad Jayke's the one with the car and he was at the other end of the strip... I can't remember how many times I dropped that boy on the floor until I allowed the stranger to help me prop Cody into a seat. Then, I begged the employees not to call the cops or anything so I could run over to the Chinese place and get Jayke and Jay. They warned me to hurry and told me we should've never came in the first place, and I apologized and ran out the door, just in time to see Jay and Jayke walking down looking at me all strange. I told them that Cody passed out and as soon as they saw him through the window all contorted on the table they started laughing their asses off and began to carry him to the car... I couldn't help but laugh histerically too, how often does shit like this occur??? Once we got back to Katie's, Cody and I, trashed, started making out and would've began to have sex, if Jayke hadn't pinned me down and prevented us from carrying our drunken asses down the stairs to Cody's room... Jay was making fun of me because I guess I was saying some pretty dirty ass shit in Cody's ear a bit too loud... After Jayke's success in getting Cody and I apart enough to not be griding one another, Cody passed out, and shortly there after I did too. I was half awake when I overheard Jay and Jayke saying they were taking my phone and going to hang with Katie and Sammy. I managed to get up a few minutes after they took off, still incredibly drunk, saw Cody lying on the floor and I woke him up, cause we were finally alone. We beat the shit out of each other! Biting, slapping, throwing each other on the floor and on the bed, scratching, bleeding, screaming... Our sex is always so intense... It was cute every 5 minutes Cody would be like, "No wait, wait, baby... I want to lie down and cuddle. I don't want you thinking I just want you for sex..." Then, of course, we'd be at it again in less than a minute. That was fun and dirty while it lasted... Yet, Jayke and Jay showed up planning to take me home, cause I guess Katie's friend Matt couldn't take me home. Katie and Sammy were waiting out in Jayke's car. Jay and Jayke both left to go wait in the car, while I was trying to get my shit together, in my drunken, stumbling mess...Cody kept distracting me which was making me take even longer, and I believe either Katie or Sammy ended up calling the house phone to tell me I needed to hurry up. So, Cody called the number back and for some reason started bitching out Katie, saying shit like, "Hey loose pussy, you waiting for a dick?", "Yeah, you always ask why I want Heather over you, when you're pussy's so loose it's like a train's been through it, and her's is always so fucking tight!", "Yeah, fuck you! You think I give a damn what you ever have to say?". While I just sat there saying to him that it was overly cruel, and I didn't understand why he just did it... Then, he tackled me again, and eventually told me to hurry up and go out to the car with him. So, I did, and as soon as we stepped out the front door, Cody goes running towards Jayke's car, pounding out the glass and screaming at Katie, then he rips off his jacket, runs around the car into the drivers seat and starts yelling and hitting Katie... I didn't know what the fuck had happened, he just like snapped... Out of nowhere..? I pulled him off her just as Una came out and started screaming at Cody... That's when everything just got so fucked up I don't even care to go into detail. Simply, I spent hours trying to calm Cody down, while he was crying about his life and his mother, and Una and him were screaming back and forth, while she kept threatening to call the cops unless he left in Jayke's car... So, I spent all that time trying to get him to go, and he started walking to nowhere, I convinced him to come back and then he tried to breakdown the back door and kick it open, when he's the smallest creature in the world and drunk more than anyone that size should be. So, I picked him up after his force knocked him back and began carrying him to Jayke's car, but he started bitching, and convinced me to let go of him once I got him to the car door, and that he was going to just sit himself down... Nope, his ass goes back to the damn house... So, Katie and Sammy, Jayke, Jay, and I drive out to Sammy's brothers and get the fuck away from there... On the way, we get a call from Una saying she had to call the cops on Cody because he attacked her for the alcohol when she refused to give it back to him, so he was arrested and spent the night in jail. Aliena's parents came and picked me up after I got stoned at Sammy's party, because I texted them about what had happened throughout the night... Which, I'm glad they did, because the people at the party were annoying, retarded, and drunk to the point where I was so annoied by all that I didn't want to stay anywhere but in my bed back at home. Passed out drunk and high writing that last journal entry.
The next day, I called Cody and found out he had got out of jail. We talked a bit and it was all sweet. Towards the end of our conversation, he asked me to watch an episode of Superjail with him, that was themed off of Hospital Brut. I told him I couldn't because my television was doing something that was recording on the DVR and that I was talking to Jon over the phone, and I pretty much couldn't. Ugh! He just snapped, and was all like, "Well just go fuck him on the phone then!" and that's the last time we spoke. Lovely isn't it? I'm sure we're pretty much done...
NIGHT WITH ZAKK 12.30.08/12.31.08
I snuck Zakk into my room at night on the 30th. I've known him since 6th grade, fell in love with him in 9th grade, and have slept with him on occassion ever since... Yeah, yeah I know I sound like a whore, but trust me I'm not... Zakk and I, for once had a moment that I believed wasn't just about us having sex. Our history is so rocky, you wouldn't think we'd still talk, but some sort of connection has kept us constant over the years... He was the first guy I ever fell really hard for, therefore being the first guy to ever break me. Over the years, we made it just about sex, but we remained decent friends... But now... He's all sweet, not a cold-hearted ass... All boyfriend like, and he's thinking about moving back from Oklahoma to be with me... All sounds good, yes? But, idk... I get spooked a bit... Because of our past I think it's bound to go horribly wrong. Plus, all the pressure he puts on me about how I cheat, is just making me feel like I'm going to end up doing it... Whenever anyone tells me I'm going to do something and puts pressure on me about it, I do it... It's like inevittable, I feel like I just have to after awhile... It's not like I even mentally process it either, it just happens. But, idk the night was perfect, and I fell a bit harder for him than I thought I was going to again, just because he opened up for a change and made me happy... I just wish I knew what to do. I'm afraid to tell him I have doubts, cause then he'll probably snap at me and get upset and not talk to me, and I'll feel like I just blew it all... Ugh... I just need to resolve this quick, for he goes back home on the 6th.
NEW YEARS EVE 12.31.08
Went out to Jayke's in Olathe with him and Jay. Ended up going to a party at Alyssa's with a bunch of dressed up girls and well-bred boys... It was odd, showing up 2 scene boys with a strange under-dressed girl... I didn't even know who Alyssa was, so I felt a bit rude. To get comfy, I joined a game of beer pong, and gradually getting drunker, began to enjoy my night. I found some boys who'd smoke me up, and one who bought Alyssa, Jayke, Jay, and I all beer... I enjoyed my night single and shitfaced, playing guitar hero, listening to music, and playing more beer pong, till the countdown of New Years. Counted down the year in the living room with everyone and the people of New York City on the tv screen. Blew the paper horn thing, drank some champagne, took an extremely needed piss, smoked my first cigarette of the year, and chilled till Lolo came to drive us home. Our asses ended up waiting across the street in the cold for about 15 minutes, because Alyssa's aunt was headed home... Fucking sucked man haha... Jay passed out taking piss and hit his head on the wall, which woke him back up hahah.... Jayke made out with every girl at the party, trying to get with the ones he thought would be the hardest to obtain, and of course he reeled them in with ease, and I won my bet that he couldn't get the girl in the short black dress :D Which made me proud, knowing how well and how not so well Jayke can whore... We cruised to good tunes, on our way back to Jayke's, and the boys passed out as soon as we got inside, while I enjoyed my stoner hunger and ate and drank everything in Jayke's pantry and fridge. Haha I even stole Ramen noodles from the party, 'cause I figured if I would've stayed they'd be eaten anyways... haha Yeah, I'm that cool, okay? haha Woke up the next morning, cleaned up Jayke's place, met another Alyssa, who we hung out with all day. Went store browsing on the Plaza, ate at Taco Bell, passed out from lack of sleep when I got back to Jayke's, then awoke to hanging out with Lolo, Amikins, Thad, Maggie, and someother dude with the boyz at some chexican place called Poncho's... I refused to eat a Chinese made Mexican place's food, so Lolo took me to McDonald's and ended up giving me a ride home, that I was needing since Jay had left my phone at my house, and Jayke's dad left for some unpronouncable/unmemorable place in Kansas with his car keys. Slept well... The End.
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I'm starting to fall for Jon, again. I think it's official impossible for us to be friends and not end up having feelings for one another. The whole Zakk thing is the only reason I'm not jumping at my chance to be with Jon, that' I've been wanting since the whole mess that happened with him telling his girlfriend, Ariel about us sleeping together, because he thought I was going to stay with Cody, because at the time Cody and I were engaged... Yeah DRAMA DRAMA... Seems to always occur in the worst ways, I swear... Well, anyways was on Stickam like all night with him the other day, and it was such torture, I just wanted to see him and be with him. It's always been like impossible for us to be together, even when it's just to hangout as friends... Jon's young, which makes me hestitant on being with him also, just because I'm afraid I'll just be a fling to him, and I'll end up falling and wanting to stay with him... Ugh, and I can't stand to be hurt again, no not after Cody... Grr.. Jon's just so sexy and smart, and funny, and we get along too well... Like, I don't even know how we have the same things in common that we do, because they're pretty strange and vast, but it's really amazing. Hehe I don't know he just makes me smile and I don't know if I'd be happier trying this relationship with Jon, where it's casual (which does sound super nice) or going with moving in with Zakk and having something serious (which sounds extremely intimedating)... Eek idk?!?!? I hate being single, it allows you to flirt with whoever and not have to worry about a thing, but then all of a sudden everyone you've been flirting with wants you all at the same time, and then you're caught in a dilema you never wanted to be in, nor ever thought you could be in, because you're single, and that most mean no one wants you. Ha, it's like you'd just take the first person who says they want to be with you that you like, because you don't care, but then two of them speak at the same time, and now you don't know which to choose.... Fuck! I suck in relationships, even when they don't exist yet... >.<
Um... HAPPY belated NEW YEAR! I've been so lost with nothing to do, and all this time... I'm behind in these entries, my e-mails, family matters, socializing, and personal goals. I FUCKING NEED A CAR!!!! Ugh, money is such a requirement to survive, and I need a job, which requires transportation, which my car sits at my mother's house, where she lets it go to waste when I need it! Her powerplays make me sick. The money's needed for my tests and potential college tutition I'll have to pay for, but she doesn't care, she believes I'm but a failure and am just throwing all away. Personally, I know I'll pass the G.E.D. exam exceptionally, after studying, get great scores on the ACT/SAT exam, and be working a decent job while maintaining good grades at Longview Community College, until I can transfer and afford an education at UMKC... Though, it's a bit hard when your own mother damns you from success...
To fill in on the days and events I've been too lazy to type....
CODY'S BIRTHDAY 12.27.08
Okay, so after I got back from the family Christmas party, I got dolled up and packed to go over to Katie's [where Cody lives], to give him his birthday present (a Jack Skellington bandana from HotTopic), exchange my cash for his giftcards because he needed it to buy drugs and I could careless, and to hangout and just have a chill time with him, Katie, and Jay. Well, it started out all dandy, until Jay, Cody, and I went to Wal-Mart to cash my $100 check so Cody and I could do our exchange. We found that they couldn't do that, so Cody found the Seagram's 7 and we bolted for the van. Shortly after we got back, Jayke showed up without notice, for he had lost his cell. We all drank a bit, Cody and I a bit too much (oh and he was already trashed before I had showed up), and were getting yelled at by Una, Katie's mom, to hurry and get downstairs to go to Applebee's for Cody's birthday dinner. We all, eventually, made it outside and all went towards Jayke's car, because we'd all rather ride with him then with Una. That's when things started to go bad... Cody pushed me into the side of Jayke's car and said, "Baby, I don't get it!?!? Why can't I just be all over you??? I want to touch you and be in you so bad!!!!" Just so happens, Katie (Cody's girlfriend) was standing their the whole time and heard the whole entire thing! She was like, "Wow, I just heard all that you just said to her, don't fucking touch me!" and she went into the house. Jay said she'd ride with Katie after that, because he thought she was going to the van... Well, Una found out and said we weren't going out to dinner because of the drama and decided that I couldn't spend the night, and that I had to go home... I was fucked, because I told C.J. I wouldn't be home till tomorrow. So, we all went up stairs and drank a bit more, while Katie shouted at Cody and decided she was going to hang with her friend Sammy, and that her friend Matt would give me a ride home later that night. In the middle of all of that happening I had gone aside with Katie and explained to her I didn't provoke the shit Cody said, because for once, I wanted us all to be chill and be friends without drama, and she understood and said she wasn't upset with me and was aware I did nothing wrong. Jayke, Jay, Cody, and I piled into Jayke's car after Katie left, so we could go out and have dinner together somewhere, anywhere, because our plans to Applebees got shut down. We ended up driving to a building strip that had a Chinese restaurant at one end and Mr. Goodcents at the other, because Jay and Jayke deceided they wanted Chinese and Cody and I wanted sandwitches. So, they went to order their food, and Cody and I were to go get our food and walk over to the Chinese place afterwards and sit and eat all together. Ha! Well, Cody ended up passing out in Goodcents while I placed the order, and I spent 15 minutes trying to wake him up and carry him from the store, while some fat guy kept asking if he could help me carry him to the car... Too bad Jayke's the one with the car and he was at the other end of the strip... I can't remember how many times I dropped that boy on the floor until I allowed the stranger to help me prop Cody into a seat. Then, I begged the employees not to call the cops or anything so I could run over to the Chinese place and get Jayke and Jay. They warned me to hurry and told me we should've never came in the first place, and I apologized and ran out the door, just in time to see Jay and Jayke walking down looking at me all strange. I told them that Cody passed out and as soon as they saw him through the window all contorted on the table they started laughing their asses off and began to carry him to the car... I couldn't help but laugh histerically too, how often does shit like this occur??? Once we got back to Katie's, Cody and I, trashed, started making out and would've began to have sex, if Jayke hadn't pinned me down and prevented us from carrying our drunken asses down the stairs to Cody's room... Jay was making fun of me because I guess I was saying some pretty dirty ass shit in Cody's ear a bit too loud... After Jayke's success in getting Cody and I apart enough to not be griding one another, Cody passed out, and shortly there after I did too. I was half awake when I overheard Jay and Jayke saying they were taking my phone and going to hang with Katie and Sammy. I managed to get up a few minutes after they took off, still incredibly drunk, saw Cody lying on the floor and I woke him up, cause we were finally alone. We beat the shit out of each other! Biting, slapping, throwing each other on the floor and on the bed, scratching, bleeding, screaming... Our sex is always so intense... It was cute every 5 minutes Cody would be like, "No wait, wait, baby... I want to lie down and cuddle. I don't want you thinking I just want you for sex..." Then, of course, we'd be at it again in less than a minute. That was fun and dirty while it lasted... Yet, Jayke and Jay showed up planning to take me home, cause I guess Katie's friend Matt couldn't take me home. Katie and Sammy were waiting out in Jayke's car. Jay and Jayke both left to go wait in the car, while I was trying to get my shit together, in my drunken, stumbling mess...Cody kept distracting me which was making me take even longer, and I believe either Katie or Sammy ended up calling the house phone to tell me I needed to hurry up. So, Cody called the number back and for some reason started bitching out Katie, saying shit like, "Hey loose pussy, you waiting for a dick?", "Yeah, you always ask why I want Heather over you, when you're pussy's so loose it's like a train's been through it, and her's is always so fucking tight!", "Yeah, fuck you! You think I give a damn what you ever have to say?". While I just sat there saying to him that it was overly cruel, and I didn't understand why he just did it... Then, he tackled me again, and eventually told me to hurry up and go out to the car with him. So, I did, and as soon as we stepped out the front door, Cody goes running towards Jayke's car, pounding out the glass and screaming at Katie, then he rips off his jacket, runs around the car into the drivers seat and starts yelling and hitting Katie... I didn't know what the fuck had happened, he just like snapped... Out of nowhere..? I pulled him off her just as Una came out and started screaming at Cody... That's when everything just got so fucked up I don't even care to go into detail. Simply, I spent hours trying to calm Cody down, while he was crying about his life and his mother, and Una and him were screaming back and forth, while she kept threatening to call the cops unless he left in Jayke's car... So, I spent all that time trying to get him to go, and he started walking to nowhere, I convinced him to come back and then he tried to breakdown the back door and kick it open, when he's the smallest creature in the world and drunk more than anyone that size should be. So, I picked him up after his force knocked him back and began carrying him to Jayke's car, but he started bitching, and convinced me to let go of him once I got him to the car door, and that he was going to just sit himself down... Nope, his ass goes back to the damn house... So, Katie and Sammy, Jayke, Jay, and I drive out to Sammy's brothers and get the fuck away from there... On the way, we get a call from Una saying she had to call the cops on Cody because he attacked her for the alcohol when she refused to give it back to him, so he was arrested and spent the night in jail. Aliena's parents came and picked me up after I got stoned at Sammy's party, because I texted them about what had happened throughout the night... Which, I'm glad they did, because the people at the party were annoying, retarded, and drunk to the point where I was so annoied by all that I didn't want to stay anywhere but in my bed back at home. Passed out drunk and high writing that last journal entry.
The next day, I called Cody and found out he had got out of jail. We talked a bit and it was all sweet. Towards the end of our conversation, he asked me to watch an episode of Superjail with him, that was themed off of Hospital Brut. I told him I couldn't because my television was doing something that was recording on the DVR and that I was talking to Jon over the phone, and I pretty much couldn't. Ugh! He just snapped, and was all like, "Well just go fuck him on the phone then!" and that's the last time we spoke. Lovely isn't it? I'm sure we're pretty much done...
NIGHT WITH ZAKK 12.30.08/12.31.08
I snuck Zakk into my room at night on the 30th. I've known him since 6th grade, fell in love with him in 9th grade, and have slept with him on occassion ever since... Yeah, yeah I know I sound like a whore, but trust me I'm not... Zakk and I, for once had a moment that I believed wasn't just about us having sex. Our history is so rocky, you wouldn't think we'd still talk, but some sort of connection has kept us constant over the years... He was the first guy I ever fell really hard for, therefore being the first guy to ever break me. Over the years, we made it just about sex, but we remained decent friends... But now... He's all sweet, not a cold-hearted ass... All boyfriend like, and he's thinking about moving back from Oklahoma to be with me... All sounds good, yes? But, idk... I get spooked a bit... Because of our past I think it's bound to go horribly wrong. Plus, all the pressure he puts on me about how I cheat, is just making me feel like I'm going to end up doing it... Whenever anyone tells me I'm going to do something and puts pressure on me about it, I do it... It's like inevittable, I feel like I just have to after awhile... It's not like I even mentally process it either, it just happens. But, idk the night was perfect, and I fell a bit harder for him than I thought I was going to again, just because he opened up for a change and made me happy... I just wish I knew what to do. I'm afraid to tell him I have doubts, cause then he'll probably snap at me and get upset and not talk to me, and I'll feel like I just blew it all... Ugh... I just need to resolve this quick, for he goes back home on the 6th.
NEW YEARS EVE 12.31.08
Went out to Jayke's in Olathe with him and Jay. Ended up going to a party at Alyssa's with a bunch of dressed up girls and well-bred boys... It was odd, showing up 2 scene boys with a strange under-dressed girl... I didn't even know who Alyssa was, so I felt a bit rude. To get comfy, I joined a game of beer pong, and gradually getting drunker, began to enjoy my night. I found some boys who'd smoke me up, and one who bought Alyssa, Jayke, Jay, and I all beer... I enjoyed my night single and shitfaced, playing guitar hero, listening to music, and playing more beer pong, till the countdown of New Years. Counted down the year in the living room with everyone and the people of New York City on the tv screen. Blew the paper horn thing, drank some champagne, took an extremely needed piss, smoked my first cigarette of the year, and chilled till Lolo came to drive us home. Our asses ended up waiting across the street in the cold for about 15 minutes, because Alyssa's aunt was headed home... Fucking sucked man haha... Jay passed out taking piss and hit his head on the wall, which woke him back up hahah.... Jayke made out with every girl at the party, trying to get with the ones he thought would be the hardest to obtain, and of course he reeled them in with ease, and I won my bet that he couldn't get the girl in the short black dress :D Which made me proud, knowing how well and how not so well Jayke can whore... We cruised to good tunes, on our way back to Jayke's, and the boys passed out as soon as we got inside, while I enjoyed my stoner hunger and ate and drank everything in Jayke's pantry and fridge. Haha I even stole Ramen noodles from the party, 'cause I figured if I would've stayed they'd be eaten anyways... haha Yeah, I'm that cool, okay? haha Woke up the next morning, cleaned up Jayke's place, met another Alyssa, who we hung out with all day. Went store browsing on the Plaza, ate at Taco Bell, passed out from lack of sleep when I got back to Jayke's, then awoke to hanging out with Lolo, Amikins, Thad, Maggie, and someother dude with the boyz at some chexican place called Poncho's... I refused to eat a Chinese made Mexican place's food, so Lolo took me to McDonald's and ended up giving me a ride home, that I was needing since Jay had left my phone at my house, and Jayke's dad left for some unpronouncable/unmemorable place in Kansas with his car keys. Slept well... The End.
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I'm starting to fall for Jon, again. I think it's official impossible for us to be friends and not end up having feelings for one another. The whole Zakk thing is the only reason I'm not jumping at my chance to be with Jon, that' I've been wanting since the whole mess that happened with him telling his girlfriend, Ariel about us sleeping together, because he thought I was going to stay with Cody, because at the time Cody and I were engaged... Yeah DRAMA DRAMA... Seems to always occur in the worst ways, I swear... Well, anyways was on Stickam like all night with him the other day, and it was such torture, I just wanted to see him and be with him. It's always been like impossible for us to be together, even when it's just to hangout as friends... Jon's young, which makes me hestitant on being with him also, just because I'm afraid I'll just be a fling to him, and I'll end up falling and wanting to stay with him... Ugh, and I can't stand to be hurt again, no not after Cody... Grr.. Jon's just so sexy and smart, and funny, and we get along too well... Like, I don't even know how we have the same things in common that we do, because they're pretty strange and vast, but it's really amazing. Hehe I don't know he just makes me smile and I don't know if I'd be happier trying this relationship with Jon, where it's casual (which does sound super nice) or going with moving in with Zakk and having something serious (which sounds extremely intimedating)... Eek idk?!?!? I hate being single, it allows you to flirt with whoever and not have to worry about a thing, but then all of a sudden everyone you've been flirting with wants you all at the same time, and then you're caught in a dilema you never wanted to be in, nor ever thought you could be in, because you're single, and that most mean no one wants you. Ha, it's like you'd just take the first person who says they want to be with you that you like, because you don't care, but then two of them speak at the same time, and now you don't know which to choose.... Fuck! I suck in relationships, even when they don't exist yet... >.<
12.28.08
It's been an odd morning, sobering up to logical reasonings pertaining to last night. Like in the movies I wish this to be only a bad dream, that I'll wake up from soon, returning back to my happy world of tinsel town bliss, right before those black and white credits start to roll...
I didn't sleep, really the other night... Read a text around 10 p.m., that at 10 a.m. i was to leave and go take part in my new family's traditional Christmas celebration of exchanging presents and devouring home-cooked treats. At the same time I was on the phone with Cody, discussing psychology, religion, love, and our plans to celebrate him surviving 18 years of life without suicide, murder, or some regretful, tradgeic accident being bestowed on him by God's, "Plan." It's funny, now that I think about it; if there is truly a plan for each of us, and everything in life is happening as it should, then God's more fucked up than all of us could ever believe!
Cody's triple C's started to kick in on top of his liquor, so from experience, I knew that when he said he'd call back, it weren't true. Still, as always, I waited up just in case I'd be wrong. But, by 3 a.m. I knew and gave up on expecting my phone to ring. Boredom and idle time cause one to lose sense of time, sense of responsibility, and sense of sleep. I had no energy, but it seemed pointless to sleep. So, I popped an adderoll type medication, called, "Vyvanse," and proceeded to clean, organize, shave, and gorgy myself up for this Christmas gathering, and more so for Cody and I's day.
Wrote a letter to my Uncle, thanking him for his generous check and to let him hear just how well my life is from me for once, instead of the mythological ventures and tales of a daughter, that my mother irritably tells. This passed the time till early morning brought day. I was out of smokes, and there's nothing worse than being dry, when you're on a wired and detailed prescription high. Aliena didn't get home 'til a bit after 9 a.m., rang the doorbell when she did, that thankfully awoke C.J. from her sleep, paying me with two bummed smokes to enjoy... Smoked 'em up in Aliena's room, while I straightened my hair and we talked our things. Lit a joint to get us comfy for the day; just a bit of weed to take off the edge. I was freaking about my unstable plans, I had made with Cody on the phone, while Aliena got frustrated from a friend's religious text about how she should let in the lord. Needless to say we were off. So, on went the music to take us away; calming us and making us smile. We both went downstairs, running late, at around a quarter to eleven. Her and I with our iPods and journals, both doing our own thing, until Aliena, her little brother Josh, C.J. [her mother], and Daniel the stepdad all piled in the car to leave.
My gift was a pile of five $10's, placed on the top of a homely hot cocoa kit, given to me by the family's grandmother. I slept most of the time I was there. That weed just zapped me, and it didn't help not having any sleep in over 24 hours.
[GOODCENTS ORDER I WROTE DOWN IN MY JOURNAL WHEN CODY AND I WERE DRUNK]
I didn't sleep, really the other night... Read a text around 10 p.m., that at 10 a.m. i was to leave and go take part in my new family's traditional Christmas celebration of exchanging presents and devouring home-cooked treats. At the same time I was on the phone with Cody, discussing psychology, religion, love, and our plans to celebrate him surviving 18 years of life without suicide, murder, or some regretful, tradgeic accident being bestowed on him by God's, "Plan." It's funny, now that I think about it; if there is truly a plan for each of us, and everything in life is happening as it should, then God's more fucked up than all of us could ever believe!
Cody's triple C's started to kick in on top of his liquor, so from experience, I knew that when he said he'd call back, it weren't true. Still, as always, I waited up just in case I'd be wrong. But, by 3 a.m. I knew and gave up on expecting my phone to ring. Boredom and idle time cause one to lose sense of time, sense of responsibility, and sense of sleep. I had no energy, but it seemed pointless to sleep. So, I popped an adderoll type medication, called, "Vyvanse," and proceeded to clean, organize, shave, and gorgy myself up for this Christmas gathering, and more so for Cody and I's day.
Wrote a letter to my Uncle, thanking him for his generous check and to let him hear just how well my life is from me for once, instead of the mythological ventures and tales of a daughter, that my mother irritably tells. This passed the time till early morning brought day. I was out of smokes, and there's nothing worse than being dry, when you're on a wired and detailed prescription high. Aliena didn't get home 'til a bit after 9 a.m., rang the doorbell when she did, that thankfully awoke C.J. from her sleep, paying me with two bummed smokes to enjoy... Smoked 'em up in Aliena's room, while I straightened my hair and we talked our things. Lit a joint to get us comfy for the day; just a bit of weed to take off the edge. I was freaking about my unstable plans, I had made with Cody on the phone, while Aliena got frustrated from a friend's religious text about how she should let in the lord. Needless to say we were off. So, on went the music to take us away; calming us and making us smile. We both went downstairs, running late, at around a quarter to eleven. Her and I with our iPods and journals, both doing our own thing, until Aliena, her little brother Josh, C.J. [her mother], and Daniel the stepdad all piled in the car to leave.
My gift was a pile of five $10's, placed on the top of a homely hot cocoa kit, given to me by the family's grandmother. I slept most of the time I was there. That weed just zapped me, and it didn't help not having any sleep in over 24 hours.
[GOODCENTS ORDER I WROTE DOWN IN MY JOURNAL WHEN CODY AND I WERE DRUNK]
White
Rostbeef
American
Mayo
Pickles
Black Olives
12.27.08
Now, I say that my memory is poor, yet I remember so much detail from every moment that's occured this year. It can't be from smoking pot, because I remember about every high, stoner moment that I've had under the influence of. It's probably just from when I'm suffering some psychotic episode, either depression or anxiety, which results in me blocking out moments of time and days at random intervals.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CODY CHRISTOPHER KLAMP!!! YOU'RE NOW 18 AND LEGAL!
Hopefully, today I'll be hanging with him, going to dinner, exchanging paper currency for plastic, being utterly submerged by drugs and liquor, and seduced while seducing in public places and within locked bedrooms. It's been wretched, not seeing him in two months! I get so alone and depressive without him.
I was on the phone with Cody this morning, around 1 to 2 a.m., and he unleashed the answer to why his and I's relation to one another has been so God damn in-sync and absolute gorgeous chaos, all in one... Turns out not only Aliena and I had BPD, but Cody did, as well... I was almost speechless for, honestly how could two people be so perfectly compatible?!?!?!?! Like, I never considered he'd have it, because I have it and also, do you know how fucking rare it is for a guy to have BPD!?! Extremely RARE!!! I'm such a hopeless romantic I believe that we're simply made for one another.
_________________________________________________________
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CODY CHRISTOPHER KLAMP!!! YOU'RE NOW 18 AND LEGAL!
Hopefully, today I'll be hanging with him, going to dinner, exchanging paper currency for plastic, being utterly submerged by drugs and liquor, and seduced while seducing in public places and within locked bedrooms. It's been wretched, not seeing him in two months! I get so alone and depressive without him.
I was on the phone with Cody this morning, around 1 to 2 a.m., and he unleashed the answer to why his and I's relation to one another has been so God damn in-sync and absolute gorgeous chaos, all in one... Turns out not only Aliena and I had BPD, but Cody did, as well... I was almost speechless for, honestly how could two people be so perfectly compatible?!?!?!?! Like, I never considered he'd have it, because I have it and also, do you know how fucking rare it is for a guy to have BPD!?! Extremely RARE!!! I'm such a hopeless romantic I believe that we're simply made for one another.
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